Marriage and living abroad

By Idalida Luna

A couple’s decision to accept a position to work and live abroad is often challenging, because it forces couples to  face a wide range of, emotional changes, issues and challenges. Living abroad is always a life-changing experience. It is a life changing experience that may influence your health, happiness, productivity and your marriage relationship positively or negatively.

It can be a very rewarding experience, a great positive adventure, or it can be a destroyer of your relationship, feelings of trust and fairness in the relationship.

Let’s focus first on the positive side:

Positive Elements

1.     The abundance of time a couple has for themselves, when moving abroad tends to enrich the bonding among couples and other family members

2.     Being separate from the extended family and friends gives you more opportunity to focus your love and care on your partner

3.     Moving abroad  strengthens the family relationship by giving the couple the opportunity to make important decisions  as a couple and to spend more time with their children, which is a benefit for their children

4.     The emotional challenges of living abroad, help the couple to unite and face storms and most likely to become stronger as a consequence

As good as those elements may look; reality is that moving abroad can present many negative elements as well, let’s look at some of them:

Negative Elements

1.     Anger or resentment about the move. When a move occurs it is more likely that the move was more important for one half of the couple than the other, and the other half was pressured to accept the plans or was willing to sacrifice for the dreams or desires of their partner; they may have mixed feelings that can surface once the initial excitement of the move has died down.

2.     Loneliness: although it is normal for people to experience some degree of loneliness when they move to a new country the fact that the couple has left behind close family members and friends increases their chances of loneliness or homesickness. Sometimes the partner who has less opportunities to mingle and build new friendships may feel totally isolated in the new land.

3.     Stress: Moving overseas is a very emotionally draining and stressful experience. The fact that you find yourself in a new unfamiliar environment, many times surrounded by people who speak a foreigner language creates a lot of stress in the family.

4.     Dependence: Due to the demands of the new environment couples are forced to depend on each other far more in a foreign country, the demands of a new job for the main bread winner can be very stressful and needs strong family support. But if on the other hand the partner who is working can’t be there for the one who stays home, the one who is more likely left at home may feel neglected - this can cause a serious rift in the marriage.

5.              Spending too much time apart: many expatriates have to invest a lot of time traveling around, robbing the couple of the necessary time to spend together therefore both of them may feel lonely and isolated in their host country.

6.              The loss of a support system: most couples even when living apart from parents and relatives will still look to them for some kind of support when conflicts arise in the relationship, so parents, uncles or grandparents will give some advice and help the couple to soften and look for ways to solve their marital problems, but living abroad robs the couple from this type of support.  

7.              The setting in of reality: Once the new place’s touristic interests are gone and the proverbial honeymoon with the new place is over, added to the realization that moving overseas doesn’t solve old problems may cause some to be depressed. Some couples move abroad for a new start, and hope that a fresh outlook on life can help them to deal with any relationship issues that they were facing at home. While this may work for some couples, most couples will feel trapped and homesickness may come in.

How to strengthen your marriage after moving abroad

1.     Talk openly about your feelings: nothing is more detrimental to the marriage than one of the partner’s feelings of frustration and anger that is totally unknown to the other. Wisely and avoiding harming your partner talk about your feelings and discuss how the problem can be solved.

2.     Spend time together: Spending time together as a couple is perhaps the most important thing that couples can do. Set aside time in your diaries to spend some quality time together. If you are feeling lonely, ask directly that time will be planned so you as a couple can do things that will be satisfying for both of you. Even when you are on a budget there are always things you can do as a couple to make life more interesting and satisfying.

3.       Do things you’ve never done before: Moving abroad gives you a great opportunity to try things that you would never have considered doing in your host country. Use this opportunity well and try to enrich your lives together by doing something completely different, like learning a new language, traveling to the new neighboring countries, start saving and designing your permanent home.

4.     Make sure you face any emotional hurdles together: Although the practical elements of a move will be at the forefront of your mind, like details about where to live, which school your children should attend, and the laws and regulations you need to learn from the new country, but the emotional impacts are just as important or even more important, be open and honest about how you are feeling.

5.     Look for external assistance. Ask around for any resources available that may help families to relocate and assimilate into life in a new country. Look for any support system that may give you ideas, the emotional support and spiritual guidance to resolve the issues you are facing. Ask your employer if they have any programs available that are designed to help employees and their families through the adjustment period. I commend ADRA Asia for the effort they are making to put to your service these topics, for creating a complete support system for their employees and even provide counseling free of charge. It shows how much they care for each one of you.

6.     Turn to God and share your deep feelings with Him: it is always very comforting to know that it doesn’t matter how far we can be from our hometown, God is always close to us.  The fact that He always cares and understands our feelings is refreshing. Look dearly for his presence in your life and the lives of your family. When you feel alone try to envision Him near to you and ask Him to show to you His care and love.