Protecting Your Marriage When You Move Abroad

A complete and absolutely essential guide to keeping your marriage or relationship alive when you move abroad and face the inevitable pressures of expatriate life from money worries to potential infidelities for example

A well-structured article was published in the Daily Mail today highlighting the plight of three women whose marriages failed when they moved abroad.  The article clearly explains the breakdown in each relationship, where it stemmed from and what it ultimately resulted in - in terms of loneliness and poverty for example - and from reading the article you can clearly see how each marriage went so badly wrong.

The point of the article is to make people think twice before they put in place plans to turn their dream of a new life abroad into a reality – however, instead of being a scaremongering warning to anyone thinking about emigrating, I think it simply serves well as a reminder of the fact that you actually need to think about protecting your marriage when you move abroad long before you actually leave your old home life.

Yes, the dream of a new life overseas is always idyllic – but no, the reality is not usually all sunny days and a totally stress free life.  So, in this report I am going to be blunt and brutal and lay out the facts about how the pressures of relocation will put your marriage under pressure – however, at the same time I am going to show you what you need to do to save your relationship, because at the end of the day, it’s incredibly important that you work together to make your collective dreams come true and that your new life abroad turns out to be a positive experience.

The Stress of Moving Abroad Should Never Be Underestimated

A new life abroad is a dream – it is a dream peddled by programme makers and magazine sellers, estate agents and even other expatriates – and it’s a dream apparently shared by up to three quarters of the British population!  In part it’s all about escapism – there are elements of all our lives that we loathe, resent, hate or just really dislike, and the thought that many of us share is that if we could ‘escape’ abroad we could ‘escape’ all that’s wrong with our lives.

However, the fact of the matter is the likes of tax and bills, having to earn a living and existing in society alongside less than pleasant people are universal realities.  I.e., no matter where you go in the world, you will not ‘escape’ the most common annoyances that affect all of us.  So, instead of ‘dreaming’ so much about an idealised existence overseas, it’s very important to plan for the reality of a new life abroad where great elements of your day-to-day lifestyle will be different, but where the fundamental realities of life won’t be!

Moving abroad involves masses of stress.  Stress is created by the following non-exhaustive list of factors: -

1) You leave a job you’re familiar with
2) You have to find employment abroad
3) You have to learn a new way of working
4) You need to adjust to a new work environment
5) You leave your family behind
6) You leave your friends behind
7) You may encounter a new language
8) You will find that no matter how proficient you are in a second language, there will be situations when you struggle to effectively communicate and that is frustrating
9) You have to get out and socialise and work at building new friendships
10) You have to sell a house
11) You have to find a new house
12) You have to buy that property or rent it
13) You maybe have to help children adjust
14) You have to deal with red tape and bureaucracy in a foreign language
15) You need to establish a credit rating for credit cards, loans or mortgages
16) You have to learn new ways of doing all sorts of things from shopping to bill paying
17) Constantly ‘not knowing’ and not being wholly sure of how things work can undermine your confidence

I think that will do for now!  The list should serve to highlight the fact that there are massive layers of multiple stresses involved in moving abroad.  We take these all on because the promise of the new life far exceeds that which we have now in terms of quality, and we see that the pay off has to be stress and some discomfort for a period of time…but actually living through the stresses is another matter altogether – as the three women who told their stories in the Daily Mail highlighted.

Why Do So Many Expatriate Relationships Break Down?

The fact that many expatriate marriages and long-term relationships break down is a lesser talked about subject – after all, I suppose that no one wants to put anyone off their dream of moving overseas.  However, perhaps if the subject was explored and explained better, fewer relationships would fail?  Of all the expats I know – and I know a great many - the vast majority have suffered from a long-term relationship break up or a marriage dissolution after moving overseas.  Now, statistically you could say that perhaps many of the relationships were likely to fail anyway!  But the percentages don’t add up – I am sure that more expatriates break up with partners than ‘onshore’ couples who remain living their old life.  My theories about why are not tried and tested or based on detailed or scientific research – they are based on the personal experiences of friends and family and co-workers…and so here goes: -

• 1 partner in the relationship wants to move abroad more than the other partner.  This results in resentment building up when things begin to get more difficult once the initial euphoria of the relocation has worn off.  The more reluctant partner will find it very easy to blame everything on their positive partner and over quite a short time this can result in the relationship dynamic changing and the love failing.

• 1 partner in the relationship has better language, communication and social skills than the other – they forge ahead with their new life, learning the lingo, making friends and embracing the challenges.  The other partner is restricted in communication with others and becomes more introverted and less willing to try and make friends and integrate.  They grow apart.

• 1 partner is like a kid in a candy shop with the local ‘talent’ which in some countries is on offer for the price of a British passport or a ‘wealthy’ Western partner – the other partner (let’s face it, in such scenarios it’s usually the wife) doesn’t stand a chance.  An infidelity happens and that’s that.

• The ‘dream’ of a new life abroad fades to be replaced by the realities of needing to earn an income to forge a living and pay the bills.  It is much harder to do in a country where perhaps language and red tape are barriers and you are foreigners competing against locals for jobs.  Money worries put a huge burden on any couple, and if one partner feels they’re doing more than the other or if one partner blames the other for the predicament they are in, bang goes the relationship.

• 1 partner may adapt better than the other, embrace the new way of life and love their dream’s reality – for the other partner the reality could be a long way from their ideal and that could compound after feelings of loneliness, isolation and homesickness also build up and slowly but surely the couple find that they want very different things and they grow apart.

The above is again, an absolutely non-exhaustive list of why expatriate relationships seemingly so often fail…

How Can You Protect Your Marriage When You Move Abroad

The steps you need to take to ensure you ‘relocation proof’ your marriage need to begin before you move abroad – and they must continue once you have expatriated.

1) You and your partner need to discuss why you both want to move abroad and see whether your reasons are compatible

2) You need to discuss the realities of each of your dreams and look closely at whether they are likely to be realised by your move abroad

3) If you find that there are elements you disagree upon you have to reach a point of compromise – the last thing you want is for your partner to be telling you “I told you so” when you have moved and something doesn’t work out just as you planned.  At such a point you need their support not their recriminations

4) You need to have a very firm plan in place that you both understand and agree on – this plan should cover the main aspects of your relocation and go as far as covering the essential financial factors such as how you are going to make a living abroad

5) The onus needs to be shared when it comes to managing the money and managing the home – these are the two areas where pressure is felt most acutely when you move abroad, and so you need to share the burdens

6) Agree NOW to talk openly about your move and your relocation abroad on a regular basis.  For example, it may make sense to have a family powwow twice a week when you all sit together and discuss any troubles you’re having and either brainstorm solutions or just offer love and understanding to each other

7) Also agree that if your relationship does come under pressure from the stresses you will inevitably go through that you will both be open to the idea of counselling – this is extreme I know, but if you agree on it now, if the situation arises you will already have promised each other that you will do this thing for the sake of your marriage.  One partner shouldn’t have to force the other to consider the idea if it has already been agreed upon

8) Start learning the language of the country you want to move to before you go.  Why?  Not because I think you can become fluent in a language when learning it from afar, but to see whether you have any aptitude whatsoever to learn the language!  If you discover you cannot learn a language, dare I say it you should not move abroad to a country where the mother-tongue is anything other than English.  You will be isolated – for life.  You will have difficulty communicating and forging friends and essential social contacts – forever.  Do not underestimate this – you will need local friends.  If you cannot learn the local language you will be isolated.  It is better to discover this before you go.  And it is not enough if just one of you can learn the language because they will fly into the new life and embrace it whilst the other partner is forever on the sidelines alone and feeling left out.  This will grow into resentment and it will destroy your marriage

9) Spend time – at least 3 months – living abroad.  Ideally in the country you want to move to, but if that’s not possible then live anywhere foreign for as long as you can afford before you commit to permanent relocation!  If you and your partner can work together to survive and thrive you know that you have what it takes to live abroad together

10) Have a plan B.  Your plan B has to be a wholly realistic and possible plan that you will both agree to adopting if things don’t go right.  You need to have everything in your plan B detailed.  From the financial aspects to the location aspects.  So, if you move to France and one of you can’t stand it you have to action plan B which may be to relocate back to the UK or to give another country a go.  Or, it may be that the person who cannot cope with the move takes a job ‘back home’ and commutes to be with their family at weekends.  This is far from ideal but it may be a compromise that saves your marriage

11) Finally, know that you will be put under pressure – be sure that you love your partner enough to get through the tough times.  If you’re not sure your relationship can take the strain, don’t risk it – unless you’re actually moving abroad in a bid to exact a divorce!

In Conclusion

I sincerely hope this article has not put you off making a new life abroad – rather I really hope it has shown you that you have to work hard to make your dream come true.  There will be times when you and your partner are in different places emotionally speaking, and you will need to offer up pure acceptance of their position even if you cannot fully understand how they feel.  If you love your partner enough, you can overcome any adversity – but if you want to make sure your relationship is not unnecessarily tested, future proof it before you move and work hard at keeping communication and love alive!

You are moving abroad for a reason – try not to lose sight of that reason together ever.

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