When to say “enough” and stop helping someone in need…

January 8, 2009

Well, this post is going to make the most sense for those who are attending our “Brother’s Keeper” series at New Life these days.

In the opening message we explored our calling to “lay down our lives for our brothers” and to “not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth” (I John 3:16,18).  We were also challenged to share our material possessions with brothers and sisters in need (I John 3:17).  We talked about how in a Brother’s Keeper Community the members treat each other like family and feel a sense of responsibility for each other’s physical and spiritual well-being.

I’m grateful to be part of a church where many, many people take Bible messages to heart and begin to process what it would mean for them to obey His words.

One such individual emailed me with a heartfelt question the very next day.  Her question had to do with boundaries.  “So, when is enough, enough?” she inquired.  In other words, at what point is continuing to help a needy person not the best course of action?  

What a great question, one that many wrestle with.  Here was my response…

Thanks for your note and your question.

Yes, this is always an issue that comes up when we consider our calling to serve others.  In my mind it increases our need to be dependent upon the Holy Spirit and learn to listen to His voice when making decisions about how much care to offer others and if/when it is time to stop offering it.

Galatians 6:1-5 makes an interesting distinction between the “burdens” we are called to help others carry (v.2), and the “load” that every person is responsible to carry themselves (v.5).  Two different words are used here.  The first describes a crushing weight that someone would be unable to carry alone.  The second describes a manageable weight that a person could shoulder by themselves.  

It takes discernment to know when we should come alongside a weighed-down brother or sister and help shoulder their load, and when we should decline because their load is something they should be carrying.  I imagine that every situation is a little different and requires insight from the Holy Spirit to know what God’s will is for us as helpers.

So when is enough, enough?  Great question.  Here’s what I’ve come to in my own experience (this is not necessarily taken from scripture)…

1. When the person I am trying to help starts exhibiting a sense of entitlement, I find that I start backing away and saying that’s enough.  My help is not really helping them any more.
2. When continuing to help someone seems to be enabling them to be irresponsible, I say enough is enough.
3. When I start to feel a sense of resentment (usually the result of #1 or #2) and lose my joy in helping, I begin thinking about how to connect the needy person with a better helper.
4. When my continued help seems to be creating more dependence upon me in unhealthy ways, I say enough is enough.
5. When I sense that the person I’m helping is sucking all the emotional energy out of my heart leaving me with nothing for other important people in my life, I start to back off.
6. When I sense other higher priorities are being set aside because I’m being consumed with helping someone, I try to stop and get re-centered.
7. When I sense that my motives for helping are actually more about me than the other person, then I try to step back and ask if I should continue.
8. When I sense the Lord telling me that I’ve done what He’s asked of me in a particular situation, I end my helping and ask if there’s another helper to take it from there.

Of course, these guidelines reflect where I’m at in my spiritual journey right now and may not necessarily reflect the heart of Christ.  But I wanted you to know where I’m at.  

Don’t know if this helps or not but I hope so!

Blessings!
Steve

So … do you think I’m on track with this?  Or does my mindset reflect a hardened, cynical heart that is just unwilling to lay it all down for someone else?

Original post https://stevesmondaymusings.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/when-to-say-enough-and-stop-helping-someone-in-need/