Am I a Perfectionist?

By Idalida Luna
 
While I was teaching at one College, I met Mary, a lovely young lady, a straight A student, pretty smart, but unable to wait just a few minutes without becoming agitated. What was even sadder is that she was unable to socialize. I remember telling her she had a problem with perfectionism. Of course, she completely denied it; many more things started to go wrong in her life before she was willing to acknowledge, she had a problem called “PERFECTIONISM.”

Are you suffering from Perfectionism, even if you are not aware of it?

Do you feel like you need to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, employee, friend, etc?

In order to answer that question we need to first know what perfectionism is and how it works in our minds. I like the simple but clear definition from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary,

“A disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness”

But shouldn’t perfectionism be a good trait of character? After all perfectionists are very successful individuals.

Well, yes and no.  There are two types of perfectionism.

The First Type: Adaptive Perfectionism

Personal standards of perfection, holding yourself to high standards that you find motivating, and inspire you to perform well.

You may be thinking: I can see nothing wrong with this, and to some degree you are right, the disturbing consequences of perfectionism are from the second type of perfectionism.

The Second Type: Maladaptive Perfectionism

Maladaptive perfectionism can have two different sources; therefore there is type A and type B of maladaptive perfectionism.

                  Type A Maladaptive “Self Critical” Perfectionism
                                    Setting high standards but being intensely aware of the gap between standards and reality.
                  Type B Maladaptive “Others Oriented” Perfectionism.

                                    Perceiving significant others as demanding high               standards from you

Type 2 Perfectionism is found to be intimidating, distressing and anxiety provoking; this is the type of perfectionism that is destructive and may make your life a constant source of unhappiness; it doesn’t matter if you are the demanding judge or you perceive others as the demanding judges of your life.

So here again are some questions to help you to discover if you are suffering from type 2 Perfectionism:

-        Do you feel extremely distressed at a minimal deviation from perfection?

-        Do you view and judge yourself from someone else’s perspective?

-        Do you dislike the standards you are aspiring toward because you feel they are imposed or mandated, not chosen?

If you honestly have to answer yes to the questions above, you may be experiencing perfectionism.

Let’s look at the Symptoms for Perfectionism according to the Encyclopedia of Psychology, ©2005 Gale Cengage:

1.     Tyranny of the “Ought’s” - Constant feelings that you have to be better, do things in better ways in order to be at peace with yourself or to be accepted by others, because people are always looking at you

2.     Self-Depreciation - Constantly comparing yourself to others and always feeling that you are never good enough compared to others

3.     Anxiety – Feeling anxious because others are always too demanding on your performance in different aspects  of life

4.     Legalism – A need to prove to the world you are the one who makes no mistakes and blaming others if they are not matching your expectations

5.     Anger - deep unconscious anger for the far reaching demands people put on you

6.     Denial – Rejecting that your high level of stress is because you are trying so hard to be perfect

At this level of this reading you may be thinking, why do we become perfectionists?

Most likely perfectionism has been conditioning by parents, family members, teachers, preachers or significant others in our life. Without intention they have been showing their unrealistic expectations, conditional love, subtle or direct theology of work, manipulation of feelings and have been using those methods in their hope of you becoming a successful person.

Consequently our next question should be: “How can I overcome perfectionism?”

In order to overcome perfectionism you have to understand that healing is a process. There is no quick cure to perfectionism because we develop it over many years and it becomes a pattern in our way of thinking, therefore you need to go through a process of growth in grace, on acceptance of who you are, many times it will take a lengthy process of reprogramming of thoughts and healing on every level of your life, especially healing the relationships with the significant ones whose demands influenced the patterns of perfectionism you face today

Below are the steps that will help you to overcome perfectionism:

1.     Accept that criticism will always be around, it doesn’t matter how hard you try or how good or bad you perform

2.      See all other individuals with their own struggles and limitations, we all have mountains we need to climb

3.      Accept that you are not perfect and do not need to be perfect, give yourself permission to be you

4.      Change bosses, decide that in your life you have only one Supreme Boss a loving Heavenly Father, who knows you and knows all your fears and limitations.

5.     Get acquainted with your "NEW BOSS" learn about His character, His love for you, His dreams for your happiness.

6.      Become a "close friend" of your “NEW BOSS” trust Him, in His power to free you from perfectionism             

                  7.    Dedicate all you do to your all loving, understanding "NEW BOSS" He will never demand from you what you                                          cannot do, and at the same time He will empower you to be an excellent mother, friend, employee etc

8.     Believe and experience God’s grace

“He said… “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Cor. 12: 9, 10.

Not only will God and His grace be with you at every step of the process, but God will be pleased with you at every step of the process.

May the grace of God visit you as you finish reading this article and may His power help you every moment you go through the process of becoming free of perfectionism.