Coping with Perfectionism :Part 2

Overcoming Perfectionism

The perfectionist tends to believe that their style of life is the most logical one for them. But the fact that you are reading this indicates that either you or your therapist believe this may actually be a problem for you. It is not often that perfectionists come into therapy to work on this problem, but they do often seek help for depression without realizing that the two are linked together. Here are some points to consider which may help you to see that it is not a logical way to make decisions for your life.

Examine 

Where Your Belief in the Need for Perfection Came From.
The idea that you needed to be perfect had to come from somewhere. Did you decide upon it yourself, or did someone tell you that you had to be perfect? Usually, perfectionistic attitudes come from parents. However, it is also possible that a person might decide to be perfect or the best in order to gain feelings of control or self-esteem. For example, a person might decide “If only I can please my parents perfectly, then they will love me.” When children are not loved, it has little or nothing to do with them but with the inadequacies of their parents. Becoming perfect is not the solution to a lack of love. It is important to realize that if you had been born into a different situation, you might have had parents who would behaved very differently towards you. You might have been told that it was okay to make mistakes. If your parents were perfectionistic or expected perfection from you, this does not mean that this is gospel truth that you must be this way. There is no religious or universal law which says you have to be perfect. It is simply one way of approaching life and not a very good one at that.

Examine the Logic of Your Belief

Is it logical to be perfectionistic? As we have already seen, there are many problems with being perfect. As yourself the following questions:

Is it possible to be perfect? 

Actually, no. Perfection is always an illusory goal for humans. Even if you approach perfection in one area there is not the time or energy for perfection in all areas.

Does it benefit me to try to be perfect? 

Your first answer to this may be yes, but after reading this handout you will hopefully be able to see all of the drawbacks to this lifestyle.

Do I require perfection my friends, too? 

While some perfectionists become irritated by other people being imperfect, some are quite lenient with their friends. They don’t hold their friends to the same standard. It is okay for their friends to not make straight A’s. It is okay for their friends to not be perfect housekeepers. If so, then why does the perfectionist hold themselves to standards which are more stringent? It is not logical to have one set of standards for one’s self and another set for everybody else.

Perform a Cost Benefit Analysis

In a cost benefit analysis, we look at what we are gaining and what we are losing. There is usually some benefit from our perfectionism. However, most of the time, the benefit is outweighed by the cost. What do you gain from trying to be perfect and what do you lose?
Here is an example of one person’s cost/benefit analysis:

What I Gain From Trying	Drawbacks of Trying to
To Be Perfect	Be Perfect
The things which I get done	I feel tense and tired much of
are done really well.	the time
I don't have to repeat repairs	I put off doing things because they will
that I do. They stay fixed.	take so much time.
My house and car look very	I can only do one repair at a time
nice.	that others do three repairs.
	I feel guilty when I don't do
	things correctly.
	I snap at the kids when they don't do
	their chores perfectly.  They call me
	"picky".
	I feel overwhelmed by how much I
	have to do because everything takes
	so long.
	I don't have much time for friendships
	and fun because I spend much time on
	my work, the house and the car.
	More and more, I am feeling that I have
	to push myself to do things.  I am beginning
	to feel that I just don't care about these
	things anymore.

Now, here is one for you to fill in:

What I Gain From Trying to Be Perfect	Drawbacks of Trying to be Perfect

Using Cognitive Therapy on Perfectionistic Thinking

Perfectionists tend to believe that they are being very logical. For this reason, cognitive therapy (working on negative thinking) is often a very powerful approach for this problem. Once persons understand how illogical perfectionism is, change often begins to occur. 

Here is an example of working on perfectionistic thinking. Look at the example of cognitive therapy below, and then write down an example of your own perfectionistic thoughts.

 

Objective Situation	Automatic Negetave	Negative	Realistic, Ligical
(The "Event")	Thoughts	Consequences	Thoughts
Making a B on a test	I should have done	Depressed	This is all or nothing
	better.		thinking
		Sad
	I should have studied		A "B" is still a
	more thoroughly	Down	competent grade.
			Most people in the
	This is a mediocre	Dicouraged	cladd mae a B-.
	grade. I don't even
	know why I try.  I	Guilty	Its true that maybe I
	should just quit		could have studied
	school. I don't even		harder, but I did
	deserve to be here.		study a reasonable
			amouth of time.
			Moreover, I had
			made a commitment
			to a friend to be with
			her and help her out
			with some things.
			She's going through
			a rough time, and
			helping her was more
			important than
			making an A on the
			test ayway.
			I can bring my course
			grade up on future
			tests.

Time for Practice

Use this form to challenge some of your own negative thoughts leading to perfectionism.

Objective Situation	Automatic Negative	Negative	Realistic, Logical
(The Event)	Thoughts	Consequences	Thoughts

FAQ: Frequently asked questions

Isn’t it better to be perfect than to be mediocre?

This sets up a false choice--”either I can be perfect or I can be mediocre.” This is all or nothing thinking. Since mediocre sounds rather bad, this thought ends up being “Either I am perfect or I am no good.” This is a false dichotomy. Life does not consist of two classes of events--the perfectly good and the perfectly bad. Instead, there are many degrees of adequacy and of quality. Being adequate and competent are not the same thing as being mediocre. But once we equate being less than perfect with mediocrity, then perfectionism will seem the only logical choice.

Shouldn’t we always strive to do our very best?

It depends on what we mean by “our very best.” If it means paying attention to every small detail and giving the tiniest of issues more time that they are worth, the answer would be “no.” On the other hand, if it means making the best use of our time and energy (including time to refresh ourselves with rest, relationships, and recreation), then perhaps the answer would be a qualified “Yes.” But people are human, and they will not always be able to do their best. That has to be accepted and taken into account or else feelings of inadequacy are likely to occur at times.

Points to Ponder

Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote a short story called “The Birth-Mark”. In it, a husband has a beautiful wife, but she has one blemish. She is almost perfect in all ways except this one. He uses all of his scientific ability to remove it, but as a result of his relentless drive to make her perfect. Hawthorne wrote:
“Alas, it was too true! ... As the last crimson tint of the birth-mark--that sole token of human imperfection--faded from her cheek, the parting breath of the now perfect woman passed into the atmosphere, and her soul, lingering a moment near her husband, took its heavenward flight. . . Had Aylmer [the woman’s husband] reached a profounder wisdom, he need not thus have flung away the happiness, which would have woven his mortal life of the self-same texture with the celestial. The momentary circumstance was too strong for him; he failed to look beyond the shadowy scope of Time, and living once for all in Eternity, to find the perfect Future in the present.

Getting Personal

If you could succeed in having everything around you be perfect--your work, your house, your school work, your car, and so on--BUT, it would mean working 20 hours every single day, would you do it?
What if it meant being tired all the time? Would you still do it?
What if it meant that there was no time left for pleasure and the enjoyment of socializing with people, would you still do it?

What if you found that no one appreciated it or cared? Is there any price that is too high to pay for you and the things around you to be perfect?
A Personal Guide to Coping Chapter 16--Coping with Perfectionism, Page 13
How do you feel about being “average?” Are there some things which you could accept being average and others which you couldn’t? What do you see as the problems with being average? What do you see as the benefits?
Do you see being average as the same thing as being mediocre? Do you equate being mediocre with failure?

If you had a choice between getting three things accomplished competently (“pretty well”) and one thing accomplished perfectly, which would you choose?
Are there some things in life which are better because they are not perfect? Consider for example, impressionist paintings. They would lose all of their appeal if they were simply photographically accurate representations of their subjects. In fact, all paintings would merely become photographs if they were perfect renderings. Is there anything in your life which would lose its value if it was perfect in every single respect?

Is there such a thing as a perfect parent? Consider the following: if a parent was always there for their child in every possible way, would the child ever learn to be strong emotionally and learn to deal with stresses in the real world?

Things to Do

Make a list of your main daily tasks. For each one describe in writing what would be a totally inadequate job and what would be a totally perfect way of doing it. Then describe what would be halfway in between (i.e., adequate).    Aim at doing things “in between” totally unsatisfactory and perfectly.

Make a list of activities which are not critical to you or your family’s well being and which only need to be performed competently and adequately, such as washing dishes, cleaning the bathtub, changing the oil in the car, cutting the grass, and so on. Give yourself permission to do these without devoting excessive time and energy to them. Practice doing these tasks in a non-perfectionistic manner. Write about the feelings and thoughts you have as you attempt to back off from your perfectionism.
If you have any negative thoughts about a competent job not being good enough, use the four column technique to overcome them.

Note how your friends do things. Do they keep house perfectly? Do they take perfect care of their car? If they do, does it make you like them more? If they don’t do things perfectly, does it make you like them less?

Make a list of all the things in your life that are more important to you than being perfect. Are you spending time trying to perfect less important things and neglecting the things on your list which are more important? Set a goal of increasing the time you spend on at least one aspect of your life which you listed as being of more important to you.

Other chapters which you may find helpful and are relevant to coping with perfectionism include:
Chapter 3 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 15
 

Coping with Negative Thoughts Coping with Worry and Anxiety Coping with Negative Thinking in Depression Coping with Anger
 

Further Reading for Clients
Basco, R.M. (1999). Never good enough: Freeing yourself from the chains of perfectionism. New York: Free Press.
Mallinger, A.E., & DeWyze, J. (1992). Too perfect: When being in control gets out of control. New York: Fawcett Columbine.
Further Reading for Therapists
Blatt, S. J. (1995). The destructiveness of perfectionism: Implications for the treatment of depression. American Psychologist, 50, 1003-1020.
Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60, 456-470.