How to make sure absence really does make your heart grow fonder.
Got your backpacks?" I shouted above the clamor of five children in the car as they prepared to go to school.
Yes!
"Lunches?"
Yes!
"Homework?"
Yes! And Um …
"Um? Did I hear an Um?" I glared at my seventh-grade son, Philip, "Go get it!"
He scrambled out of the car to get his homework.
Meanwhile, the others fought over who got to talk to Dad first when he
called that night from Nevada, where he was on military duty flying his
Stealth F-117. I silently wondered how being assigned to Las Vegas
constituted "serving your country." He'd be gone 30 days.
I began to back the Suburban out of the garage when I heard a sickening scrape of metal on metal.
"Mom! Stop!"
"You hit the garage door!"
Sure enough, it fell off the tracks and landed on the
back of the car. "Who left the garage door partially open?" I asked.
"The automatic door lifts it up all the way and someone purposefully stopped it before it was fully raised!"
Suddenly, the whole car became oddly quiet.
"Um … Mama?" Jonathan, our eight year old said. "Papa
said that when the weather's hot like this we need to leave the garage
door partly open. Since Papa's gone, I'm doing his job and I left it
partly open."
Only 29 days to go.
Any spouse of a frequent traveler will tell you that it
seems as soon as he leaves, children get sick, the washer breaks down,
or a distracted mom will absentmindedly plow through a partially opened
garage door. (We've purchased two garage doors in the past year.)
But the greatest challenge to frequent absences is how
to keep our hearts connected when we're apart. Whether through long
stints in the military or frequent overnight business trips, time away
from home can lead to distance in a relationship if the couple doesn't
proactively seek to keep their marriage protected.
For these couples, here are some ways to keep close—even when you're far away.
Before the Trip
Watch out for fireworks. Part of
"Pre-separation" syndrome is that people begin to separate themselves
emotionally for what lies ahead. Look for tensions to be high and be on
guard for potential fireworks over little things. Simply being aware of
these emotions and potential disagreements can go a long way toward
diffusing the situation. Karen Evenson and her husband, who's traveled
frequently for 15 years, would fight about the laundry before he'd leave
on trips. "I'd get so angry because he'd throw his underwear anywhere
but in the hamper!" Karen says. "We'd get into arguments about it and
he'd leave the house on a sour note. Then I'd spend the time we were
apart feeling guilty and miserable. I finally discovered where he puts
his underwear really doesn't matter. And that discovery has made for
better partings."
Notes-to-go and other sundries. Send a bundle
of notes with your spouse. Hide them in a suitcase, a jacket pocket, or
even in his spare shoes. Madeline, an airline pilot's wife, slipped a
note and a piece of lingerie into her husband's toiletry bag and told
him, "Don't forget to brush your teeth!"
Leave surprises with friends. If you're the
spouse who travels, leave letters and gifts with friends who'll
distribute them to your partner. Or order flowers to be delivered on key
dates. This forethought means more thoughts will be coming your way!
Tom Wickre, who went on a military tour for a year, left money with
friends to purchase flowers, stationary, and books for his wife, Patti.
"When those presents were delivered," Patti says, "I felt so special.
The fact that Tom planned ahead meant as much as the presents! And they
really helped me feel connected to him."
Family photos. Get two copies of a family photo
and frame them. One goes with the traveler and one stays home. I take
one when I travel on business and show it to people—especially men who
are a bit too friendly, despite seeing my wedding ring. (There's nothing
like a photo of five children and a fighter pilot husband to scare them
away.) Then I place the photo in the hotel room as a reminder of two
things: (1) my actions today will affect our family tomorrow, and (2)
there's someone who loves me at home and is counting on me. When I'm
home and my husband, Bob, travels, I like to place the "home" photo by
the TV as a further reminder to watch shows that will positively feed my
mind and spirit.
Videotaping memories. Jody Dale, an Army
chaplain's wife says, "About a week before my husband, Garry, went to
Somalia, we gathered as a family in the kids' bedrooms and Garry read
stories to them while I ran the video camera. I captured their faces,
the pre-bedtime prayers, and even some of the songs they sang with their
daddy. We watched the video while he was gone and still do,
occasionally. Each time we watch, it makes us thankful he came home."
While Gone
Prayer and devotions. Commit to pray at the
same time each night while you're apart. You'll be joined spiritually
and those prayers will guide you and keep you. Anne, a businessman's
wife, said, "We do the same Bible study while he's traveling and share
our answers when he returns." Bob and I end each on-the-road phone call
with him reciting
Numbers 6:24: "The Lord bless you and keep you." And I answer with
Numbers 6:25: "The Lord make his face to shine upon you."
Keep in touch.Proverbs 25:25
says, "Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant
land." Letters and e-mail are great opportunities to connect. But a word
of warning: Re-read everything before you send it, especially if you're
venting or feeling sad when you write. This kind of correspondence
tends to be one-dimensional and will often communicate a tone or message
that you may regret once you're in a better frame of mind. Remember to
be honest and yet keep your notes as positive as possible. Allison
Warner, whose husband, Jason, is stationed in Kosovo, says this: "One
important thing I've learned is to vent to other people or to God
instead of to Jake. While sometimes this is hard to do, it's
strengthened our relationship."
Laughter is good medicine. Myra Hinote, whose
husband, Clint, is a military pilot, keeps track of funny things the
kids say to share with him. But sometimes the joke's on her: "After
running errands, I drove up to the security gate at the Air Force base
where we live and had to show the guard my identification pass. I was
startled to hear him say, 'Well, ma'am, that's a nice credit
card, but I need to see your id card!' I went home and sent Clint an
e-mail about it. He was the first person I told. We had a great laugh!"
Write down funny things that happen while your spouse is gone and share
them upon his return. If you're looking for these humorous incidences,
then you'll find your burden lightened in the process.
Four Don'ts
Don't have a negative attitude. It will hurt you, your kids, and everyone who's unfortunate enough to be around you!
Don't spend time alone with coworkers or friends of the opposite sex. Establish boundaries during this particularly vulnerable time.
Don't give in to impulsive buying. It will surely add up to big debts!
Don't turn down help. Accept people's offers to take you to lunch, go to their house for dinner, baby-sit your kids, or even bring you a casserole.
Homecoming & Reunions
Pace yourself. Don't zero in on a specific
return date or time. Instead, remain flexible. Your spouse may call and
announce a change in the arrival date because of flight delays, work
requirements, or unexpected meetings. Remain cautiously optimistic and
you won't be crushed by schedule changes.
Expect the unexpected. During separations,
particularly longer ones, women tend to glamorize the reunion and it's
rarely as wonderful as it was in our minds. Plan to make it special, but
realize it may not go off exactly the way you wanted—-but that can be
all right, too. You don't have to do all the things you've planned in
the first day he's back.
Adjustment back into the family routine can be a
challenge for both spouses. One has been in charge at home while the
other has been responsible only for one person. Be prepared to make
adjustments. The traveling spouse needs to give the home-bound spouse
time and room to move from independence back into interdependence. It's
best to turn over areas of responsibility slowly. While the traveler may
feel as if he's just sitting on the sidelines for the first few days,
sometimes that's the best place for him to be as "normalcy" returns to
your reunited household.
If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then it's
because those hearts have been prepared, nurtured, and protected by a
couple who care enough about their marriage to do their best. By taking
positive steps before, during, and after times of being apart, you can
keep your marriage healthy and full—despite frequent separations.
Ellie Kay, an MP regular contributor, financial expert, author, and a regular on CNBC's "Power Lunch" program, lives with her family in New Mexico. Her upcoming book, Heroes at Home—Celebrating the American Military Family (Bethany House) will be available in November 2002.
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