How to Stop the Whining and Crying: The Happy Heart Technique
Whining and crying drives me cuckoo. It’s something I’ve wanted to train out of my kids since the moment it reared its ugly head. We are still working on it, believe me, but we have seen major improvement in this area with one piece of advice, “the happy heart.”
Since our oldest was 18 months old, we have used this happy heart technique to curb whining. If the pouting begins, the child is sent to a removed spot with no distractions (in our house, the stairs). They stay there until their attitude has shifted. This is NOT a punishment. This is NOT a traditional time out. It is NOT a set amount of time. It is always said, “I love having you with me. I want you to be able to play with us and be with us, but it just can’t happen until you are under control with a happy heart.” At that point, the amount of time away is up to them. It could be a second or an hour. It’s never been an hour at our house, but I’ve heard of it happening. The Pritchards, parents of 11 who taught me this trick, have pictures of one of their children asleep on the stairs trying to get a happy heart. I try to make what I am doing with the other kids very appealing so that they want to be able to get control and join the fun. They can feel upset, and their feelings can be validated (even though they might seem extremely irrational, we do know they feel these emotions deeply). You can acknowledge their feelings and want to discuss the feelings with a pre-teen, toddler or elementary age child, but you need to choose a time where they are able to do it in a way that is respectful and doesn’t impact the climate of your home. “Happy heart” doesn’t mean they don’t feel their emotions. It is just an outward display of the control they are willing to have in their behavior.
With the littler kids, we had to do some training for them to understand by demonstrating a smile and a calm face. Abby would sit crying and say amid tears, “I have a happy heart.” We also have had to physically put them back until they can gain control. As they grow, they understand the concept more and can self regulate. We celebrate their return and continue on without the fuss. I have also been known to be cheesy and say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I speak English and a little bit of Spanish. I don’t speak Whinese.” Another phrase is, “I’m sorry I don’t understand a word you’re saying when you talk to me like that.” They NEVER get what they want when they are whining and crying. This is so important. They need to learn to understand that it won’t work. In the end, we want to get to our child’s heart and not just their behavior. By emphasizing their heart attitude, the focus in the right place.
A trap I’ve gotten myself into and am trying to work on in regards to this is to not get emotionally involved. I need to keep a happy heart during the technique. I need to disengage from the battle. It is a simple, matter-of-fact approach where you remove yourself from the equation both mentally and physically.
This concepts translates to the older child too. In my post, “Navigating the Pre-Teen Years,” I spoke of giving the children alone time to get their emotions together. Again, we want them to feel and express their feelings. However, we want them to learn how to communicate in appropriate ways without dictating the environment in the home.
If you let your child’s whining and crying dictate the mood in your home, you are doomed for a miserable experience for both you and the child. They need to learn how to express their emotions in healthy ways, and it’s a great lesson in self-control. I literally have had children freaking out crying and switching it off within moments of sitting on the stairs. They can learn this!
Here is some scripture you can help them memorize to get to the heart of the situation, emphasizing that it’s hard to do alone, but with God’s help, we can learn self-control and learn how to cast our cares to him.
* “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” – 1 Peter 5:7
* “Do everything without complaining or arguing.” – Philippians 2:14
* “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13
* “Be angry, yet do not sin. Think about this when upon your beds, and be silent.” Psalm 4:4 (This was given to me by a reader in the comments. I love it. It is exactly what I am getting at with this article. Feel your feelings. Identify your feelings. However, don’t let your feelings lead you to a behavior that is harmful. I think the post below is super helpful in helping kids feel, identify and manage their emotions).
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