Missionary Conflict - What Jesus Says About it May Surprise You

Missionary conflict has many different causes, such as sinful ways of dealing with the unmet needs in our life that our Why Can’t We All Just Get Along? article talks about. But another cause or theme I’ve noticed in missionary conflict is how often the source of interpersonal conflict is inaccurate assumptions that missionaries make about each other. Someone once said

Assumption is the lowest form of communication .... followed closely by e-mail.

I usually get a laugh when I quote this line while doing training workshops on missionary conflict. But the laughter is always for the e-mail reference, not the assumption piece. Most of us can readily identify with e-mails we’ve sent or received that were misunderstood. But assumptions and the interpersonal conflicts they cause are another story.

A few years ago around Easter I was thinking about how pastors often give sermons at this time of year based on the last words of Christ on the cross. Except for Lou Costello’s comment on his deathbed (“That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted”), the last words of anyone are usually significant and worth listening to. All this made me wonder what were the first words of Jesus - his first recorded words.
I found them in Luke 2:41-52, the story of Mary and Joseph taking 12-year old Jesus to the feast of the Passover in Jerusalem. Once Passover is over, Mary and Joseph head home assuming Jesus was with them, but he stayed behind to talk with the teachers in the temple. If I were a math teacher I’d use this text as a quiz question: How long was Jesus missing? Answer: 5 days.

Imagine what Mary must have been feeling. I also wonder what Joseph was feeling, but he says nothing and nothing is said about him. But poor Mary, I imagine she must have been scared to death. Scared for her son. Scared for what it might say about her as a mother.

                                    Here I am, the mother of the savior of the world, and I can’t even keep track of him. What will
                                    the neighbors  think? What kind of mother am I anyway?

When Mary eventually does find Jesus she uncharacteristically accuses him in vs. 48, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.” The fact is Jesus didn’t do anything wrong. The one with the problem was his parents. They made an assumption about Jesus - an inaccurate one - that he was with them.

Making assumptions requires a lot less of us than checking out the facts. I’ve seen missionaries and churches make assumptions about each other because it was more expedient than talking, clarifying, and searching for the truth. And in this case with Jesus and Mary, she tries to shift the burden onto Jesus to make him responsible for her mistaken assumption.

Aren’t we all so like Mary? We make an assumption about another person and then when the assumption proves false, and it puts us in a bad light, we go on the offensive. So much of missionary conflict, and indeed interpersonal conflict of all stripes, is because of wanting to make other people responsible for our mistakes. Mistakes like an inaccurate assumption.

Our pride keeps us from admitting to the fact we were wrong. That we made a mistake. A book I recently read, Fighting for Peace: Combating Conflict with Character by Dennis Morgan, makes the same point. At the root of all conflict, the author says, is an abundance of pride and a lack of humility. Chew on this awhile as I have for the past several months.

Notice how Jesus responds in vs. 49 to his mother and her dysfunctional way of relating to him, "Why were you searching for me?" he asked. "Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" If we read this the way a typical 12-year old boy would respond, we could rightfully read into it a tone of of sarcasm and defensiveness - both of which would be sinful. But our theology tells us Jesus was without sin. He never ever sinned. Not even once. So with this backdrop, the words of Jesus take on a kind, compassionate tone. He knew that Mary made a mistake but couldn’t bring herself to admit it. He knew that she must have been terribly worried in not knowing his whereabouts.

He defused the potential conflict with his kindness, compassion, and grace. What a great model he gives us for dealing with interpersonal conflict, for responding to the people who criticize us - even the people closest to us like our family. And missionary teammates. Jesus first saw Mary’s fear, and then her inability to see the truth because of it. So he cut her some slack. He extended her grace.

And while the words Jesus spoke were 100% right on, they didn’t register with Mary (vs. 50). What did get through though, I believe, was his kindness, his gentleness, and his patience with her - that’s what she “treasured” in her heart. Not the content of his words, but the heart behind them.

May the same be true of us, whether missionary or not. When faced with criticism let’s first consider the possibility our critic is worried about something, or is making an assumption that’s inaccurate. And may we meet criticism with the same grace, kindness, and compassion as Jesus did.

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